hawa ali drammeh | 8.10.2024 | 12.52am

i feel like an absolute fool. i was foolish to think that the only way to live my life is to only do work, to be excited, & to push myself to be ambitious and curious when i am feeling “inspired” & “motivated”. absolutely terrible mindset and deep trouble i’ve fallen into thinking & living my life like this.

i’ve learned a lot these past few days, months, and years. i’ve been slacking a lot. something had changed in me but i could never pinpoint what it was. i thought it was because i got too comfortable with some of the blessings that were coming my way and no longer felt the need to work hard. well— this was partially true. however, i finally understand the root problem now…

i became driven solely by “inspiration,” and in doing so, i lost my ability to be disciplined.

somewhere along the journey, i convinced myself that the only thing that matters is to do things that inspire me. which is important of course. but inspiration isn’t enough. we got it all wrong. thinking that inspiration is enough has been so detrimental to your my potential, your my ambitions, your my curiosity, and the things you I have been able to achieve in this world.

prior to a few years ago, i would do work even when i wasn’t feeling it. i recognized and understood there are fun parts to the work i was doing but there were also many unexciting parts. the past me would tackle these unexciting parts and get them done even when it wasn’t my favorite thing to do and even if i wasn’t particularly excited or inspired. i would grind calculus problems, i’d do required readings, i’d do readings for fun because i knew that it would benefit my project or goals in the long run. even when i wasn’t completely animated, i would do it. i would just do it. just get it done. just execute.

the current me has become so spoiled. i’m not sure how/why i developed this new mindset of thinking the only work that matters and the only work i should put my full effort into is the work the i am inspired by. i think the root cause was that i was so upset/fed up being surrounded by so many peers who would cheat in classes and/or only care about jobs and money and have no passion to do things beyond the bare minimum, that as a coping mechanism, my brain shifted my mindset entirely and convinced itself that i should be INSPIRED at all times, and i should only chase the things that inspire me. my brain took it too far. it/i didn’t know how to interpret the things it/i was observing in my environment in an optimal way, and so i went down this path that is equally as bad as not being inspired at all. being too inspired. let me repeat that: being too inspired and only working when inspired is equally as bad as not being inspired by your work or having no passion about your work at all.

i have to let this sink into my own brain right now, because when i started typing this article, this was not the revelation i was expecting to come to… o m g . o m g. o m g.

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