april 2024 | active draft

this is just me being real with myself. i’ve lied to myself too many times and now facing those consequences. not necessarily bad consequences lol but still i feel like i could’ve been honest with myself earlier to save myself time & energy.

if you’ve ever been in any of the following positions & have advice for me / just want to chat, please hmu! contact

4/??/2024: someone told me to triple down on my strengths instead of trying to work so hard in stuff that im not the best at and spend a ton of energy trying to be the best. tbh, this made me have a bit of a career? crisis lol because i like engineering and cs and tech but ill be so honest, coding isn’t my key strength. it takes a lot of work for me to be good or get something done. my key strengths really revolve around people, being a visionary, motivating ppl to be passionate about a vision and rally together to reach something, understanding peoples underlying motivations and intentions, and knowing what people need more than they know what they need. i keep thinking about this over and over and really wondering, should i start my career as a software engineer or should i find something where i can TRIPLE DOWN on my strengths? the world may never know, i may never know hahah.

6/14/24: from the lab - hawa’s idea incubator : im wayyy too unfocused, bruh i can’t just start pursuing every idea that comes in to my head. need to stay focused on one thing for a prolonged period of time. ill still write all of my ideas down here though, maybe someone else can grab them and work on them lol

6/24/24: i was building pods (ai podcast tool) and was a part of the dorm room fund women cohort. i also interviewed with zfellows with the pods idea but today im making a pivot to monti. something i actually care about @ the intersection of tech, education & helping children become leaders who change the world. w/ monti i hope that having access to quality montessori style, creative and experimental education won’t be reserved for only the wealthiest kids of the population, but will be available to every child. tbh i don’t care much about ai podcasts, but i do care a lot about writing and the introspection / growing through writing space.

7/10/24: i need to prioritize my physical health and mental health. im pretty burntout, i think i tried to lie to myself before starting my internship. i convinced myself i only needed a 1 week rest and that i’d be good. but truth is, i wasn’t and i’m not. i also want to do things that bring me a ton of energy that im putting my full effort into and i don’t feel like thats happening now. every morning i wake up feeling terrible about myself knowing i could do so much more both at my internship and beyond my internship. i have decided based on my gut and what i want in life that i need to leave my internship. im no longer bringing a ton of value to it because im just so unwell and don’t feel im getting a ton of value out either since i can barely put a lot in. feeling great about the choice and ready to rest and recover : ) rmr ppl won’t understand your choices but it doesn’t matter. only what you think of your choices matters in the end. lets go!!!

7/24/2024: im going on a 10 day silent vipassana meditation retreat. need to disappear from society and realign. need a complete reset. also need to get some treatment at the hospital. finally, need a 3 day water fast reset for my brain, soul and body. i also need to start being more consistent with my prayers and really work on starting and maintaining a routine for myself.

7/28/2024: for some reason, my mind has trouble being idle. i’ve been doing complete no technology days of silence to help quiet my mind but every time my mind is idle for even 5 minutes, i get a new creative idea that i then go do. this is supposed to be my period of resting and recovering, not doing every fun idea that comes to my head. now when i start having creative or exciting ideas, im going to acknowledge it and move on (at least during this period of rest)

7/29/2024: since quitting my internship and everything else and just resting, for the first time in two months, i heard the clock in my airbnb ticking. my mind has been so stressed, exhausted, preoccupied, and never in the present moment that i haven’t heard the clock tick at all. i was so shocked today that this sound went unnoticed in my brain for that long, i had to ask my two roommates: “hey, has this clock been working the past 2 months we’ve lived here?” this is exactly how i know i made the right decision. just hearing this clock ticking woke me up again and has made me excited for recovery and what is to come.